"Dopesick"

You can listen to the audio above while you're reading

There's so much confusion
Why do I use dope 'till I'm sick?
This isn't illusion
The sickness is fixed,
Can't sit or stay still
Like a thousand nervous ticks.

And here it comes again...

I got that craving sensation,
My body's physical adaptation,
Needs instant gratification,
So I push aside all patience,
It's dominated by temptations,
I'm ready to step up 
And fist-fight a whole nation.

Constantly cold from the inside out,
Sweat dripping profusely
Could replenish a drought.
These body aches turn to sleepless nights,
And I'm low on will power
To keep on with this fight.

No matter how much pacin' 
I do,
Racin' I do,
Life still seems like claymation and stew,
It's gooey 
And grimy,
Dripping and gross,
Pins, tingles and mush
I'd kill for that dose.

Eyes puffy, hazy,
Clouded
Vision is shaky
Head clogged and crowded,
Life itself 
Has this foul ass smell,
Am I sitting here dying?
Can't even tell.

The scents are so sickening,
Snot dripping from my nose
And thickening,
Even my teeth hurt,
I'm about to mix shit with water, cook it and shoot dirt.

Every bone in me
Feels battered right now
Like having the whole world's arthritis
Plus a black cloud.
Hunched over,
Brain pounding all sides of my skull,
Sun too bright to deal with
So I squint 'till its dull.

The slightest breeze
Could shatter my bones,
And it isn't much better
When there's no place to call home.
There's not a time or a place,
I can actually rest,
Feels like these spiders
Won't stop crawling my flesh,
Shaking so hard I can hardly write these lines,
Is there an end to these grueling times?

Years and years,
Running straight every single day,
And now my body
Is making me pay.
I can never predict
What hole my mess is gonna leave,
Abdomen and stomach pains,
Hurts to breathe.

I can't go on,
Dying inside,
Where the fuck am I
And why do I hide?


This is a poem I wrote while in rehab - its not necessarily a performance piece, but I have performed it in some low-key, proper settings. Dopesick reflects the feelings, the pain and the darkness I felt while I was kicking heroin. Opiate withdrawal is the worst physical pain I've ever experienced, and on top of that it elicits deep emotional trauma. There were days that I would have chosen death over withdrawal. The road to heroin recovery require one to  punch above their weight class; My poetry helps me fight...
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Other recommended poems based on this one:
 DOPESICK PT 2  |  FUCK YOU (OPIATE WITHDRAWAL)  |  SICK   |   TORNADO   |   EMERGE   |   ADDICTION

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