The Letter Never Delivered
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"The Letter Never Delivered" is a performance poem - an angry one. It was written as I reflected back on my life and compiled feelings and stories from past family issues - resentment, confusion, angst, outrage...all of 'em. This is one of my favorite pieces. It's meant to evoke some personal issues from anyone reading/listening, so if you can identify, I'm doing my job and I'd love to hear about it in the comments below.
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Dear Stranger,
Just 'cause your life is trife and your wife
is cheatin’...
Just because
Dinners,
Were full of glasses
Smashing
Into paintings,
Like they were planes into buildings
Just because your attitude shattered chandeliers
Into blizzards of glass tears
And you live with that forlorn fear
That another man may,
Just may,
Have an edge on you
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna make me the dark hole you stuff your misplaced misery in…
I know you’re sick,
I know your disease prevents you from
Seeing the two sides of a story that aren’t yours
I also know the wars
In your mind
Were designed
By divine reason
So stop blaming the world
For what you see as god’s treason,
because you can’t have summer
For all four seasons…
Dad.
The only time I,
Ever came before U,
Were those nights when I’d read from the dictionary,
To block out
The boisterous battles of bellows
From behind barricaded doors breachless
Like your mental walls,
Like your emotions,
Thicker than quicksand
But shallower than the kiddie pool
You never took me to…
I just needed someone to replace the wall
I threw tennis balls to,
The wall that could only
Echo everything I said,
But could never give me advice,
On how to talk to that girl I liked,
How to ride a bike,
Or fight
With lips
Not fists
So when I watched our neighbor,
Lightin’ up his spliffs
Who was I supposed to look up to, Dad?
Someone who actually noticed I exist,
Or you?
A plane flying over the ocean with a gas leak,
A short fused brick of C4
Backfired against the ones your supposed to love more
Than those jackass divorcees you play cards with on weekends
You were supposed to be the glue,
That bound our family by truth,
But you wore your anger
Like a played out plaid suit,
Way too loose,
Took your marriage and family
And tied us up in a serpentine noose,
And hung us out to dry,
Stranded,
And I can’t understand it,
I was supposed to follow you to manhood
And you left me branded
With absence
Like the church did to our people in the holocaust
Not that you ever taught me that
What is it about me that scares you?
Is it ‘cuz I’m a spitting image of you, dad?
Eyes, hair, skin,
I look just like you
And you fear the world
Ever seeing another you,
Another machine of the devil’s creation,
Blatant impatience,
Complacent with hatred,
The invading rapist
Shaking my matrix
Until my purity breaks up
Like the Giants defense
In football games that we never watched…
You know,
Most kids,
Hearts are broken when their dad leaves,
They’re emotionally bruised,
Lost and confused
About the size of the shoes
They’re left to fill,
But not me
There was no confusion
Of all the deep emotions
I could’ve felt,
The only one that stuck and struck me,
Was relief,
A release
From the tyranny
That bled from your insecurity,
It was solace replacing fear
As a ghost replaced a demon
Well have no fear,
‘Cuz I will never be you,
I loathe every characteristic of your personality,
I despise every cell body you embody,
And it hurt,
When I needed to call your name for help,
But all that came out,
was “mommy”.
I will never be you…
Sincerely,
Forget it…
No one.
Just 'cause your life is trife and your wife
is cheatin’...
Just because
Dinners,
Were full of glasses
Smashing
Into paintings,
Like they were planes into buildings
Just because your attitude shattered chandeliers
Into blizzards of glass tears
And you live with that forlorn fear
That another man may,
Just may,
Have an edge on you
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna make me the dark hole you stuff your misplaced misery in…
I know you’re sick,
I know your disease prevents you from
Seeing the two sides of a story that aren’t yours
I also know the wars
In your mind
Were designed
By divine reason
So stop blaming the world
For what you see as god’s treason,
because you can’t have summer
For all four seasons…
Dad.
The only time I,
Ever came before U,
Were those nights when I’d read from the dictionary,
To block out
The boisterous battles of bellows
From behind barricaded doors breachless
Like your mental walls,
Like your emotions,
Thicker than quicksand
But shallower than the kiddie pool
You never took me to…
I just needed someone to replace the wall
I threw tennis balls to,
The wall that could only
Echo everything I said,
But could never give me advice,
On how to talk to that girl I liked,
How to ride a bike,
Or fight
With lips
Not fists
So when I watched our neighbor,
Lightin’ up his spliffs
Who was I supposed to look up to, Dad?
Someone who actually noticed I exist,
Or you?
A plane flying over the ocean with a gas leak,
A short fused brick of C4
Backfired against the ones your supposed to love more
Than those jackass divorcees you play cards with on weekends
You were supposed to be the glue,
That bound our family by truth,
But you wore your anger
Like a played out plaid suit,
Way too loose,
Took your marriage and family
And tied us up in a serpentine noose,
And hung us out to dry,
Stranded,
And I can’t understand it,
I was supposed to follow you to manhood
And you left me branded
With absence
Like the church did to our people in the holocaust
Not that you ever taught me that
What is it about me that scares you?
Is it ‘cuz I’m a spitting image of you, dad?
Eyes, hair, skin,
I look just like you
And you fear the world
Ever seeing another you,
Another machine of the devil’s creation,
Blatant impatience,
Complacent with hatred,
The invading rapist
Shaking my matrix
Until my purity breaks up
Like the Giants defense
In football games that we never watched…
You know,
Most kids,
Hearts are broken when their dad leaves,
They’re emotionally bruised,
Lost and confused
About the size of the shoes
They’re left to fill,
But not me
There was no confusion
Of all the deep emotions
I could’ve felt,
The only one that stuck and struck me,
Was relief,
A release
From the tyranny
That bled from your insecurity,
It was solace replacing fear
As a ghost replaced a demon
Well have no fear,
‘Cuz I will never be you,
I loathe every characteristic of your personality,
I despise every cell body you embody,
And it hurt,
When I needed to call your name for help,
But all that came out,
was “mommy”.
I will never be you…
Sincerely,
Forget it…
No one.