Reparations

Slam Poetry, by griffin h.m.

Lyrics for Reparations

My father used to tell me that divorce was the process of losing ones routine.

​5:30 came and went without the sound of a familiar rattle from outside the door that came from my mothers keys.

Last night i got to thinking about where I loved you most and why i couldn't show it constantly.

An old soul for an angel hand to hand on a roller coasters decline, with Heaven looking into my eyes, with the way that love should haunt me.

I am blessed and now I'm pure.

I invest when I'm unsure.

Don't I shine when insecure.

Don't I shine when insecure.

My mother saw an actress on the tv and told me she's beautiful but she looked just like you to me maybe she's just blind to my miracles but I have the upmost respect for the love she found in my stepfather they got up and took this marriage deal even farther.

Things were easy when we made time I been through so many girls I could lose count in like no time we felt the same round the same time.

We felt the same round the same time. why you think of me like I'm not still young?

Like the eye bags I wear don't slow down for no one. Saturday morning I'm booked for an interview for income and a peace of mind while I'm still over analyzing how will I get to you.

These are reactions to where I went south I kiss a ghosts past and present knowing you spoke down on me didn't that come from your mouth where would I be if you weren't still around?

Who we really fooling now I just might move out the country pay my dues in pounds.

Tell me what am I about you always had me figured out oh yeah you saw right through the doubts. and I'd give anything to be on your team wasn't that me? (me) your one mvp?

Seems like a hoax still dishing it out friends of mine sitted in coke is this how it turns out?

You got a new job down at ulta selling cosmetics like paychecks could hold ya look back on the times you'd say "when I'm older" now that you're older you still cry on shoulders. that's not my shoulder. 

Layered up last month without you I figured it just had got colder.

Low and behold the words that I wrote ya max and i lost a home this year you know we felt the absence girl you just weren't here.

Though I still thought of you all the time.

I see the answers more clear in the times that I know you're mine.

Usually I never run but I've been alone like it's said and done really I know that it's said and done but we made a promise and only one check if I'm giving up check have I given up?

Pity me on these obsessions that tear me up.

Body intact but the heart is an ocean surrounding my misery.

Drown in our history. who you smiling for in the moments you're missing me?

Read all my letters and stick with me we could have done this so differently basically sleepwalking when I unravel the mysteries. simple as 6 words "will you come sit with me?" that spot is reserved can't no one get next to you I'm about me just protecting you I'm about cutting my checks with you 50 50 every week, if I got it it's yours. send me to cali and back and ask me then "are you really sure?" no I'm not really sure when I'm lost I can move but that's only after I hit rock bottom and torn up my shoes how she react to the news?

She saw us together and changed her view. I could speak forever didn't say it wouldn't hurt didn't you preach on my worth?

Yeah you were the first. first one to see the beauty in me youth leaking out the pores & kidney when you want more well love I got plenty, more is enough & now I've got too many. too many promises coated with pressure too many memories you can't remember too many pills cause the e is for effort.

Blow dust off the good in me piece me together. you came back stronger the second time around and the third time around and the 100th time now what will it take what makes you give addicted to destiny the idea of you waking up next to me. my girl is a daydream I still need some saving. last night was amazing. the way that you took it.

I am a man with desire to carry on from where I mistook it. from where I just took it. just in case she's looking.

I'll pay it in cash like look at the shit that I have didn't really measure up to what I don't have. lonelier than ever, that's just the facts claim it all as my bad, and I'll still be around if you ever wander back.

I could of opted to back out leave a bitter taste on your tongue when my name is spoken I am my mistakes but discouraged to show it. can't I admit that when the pain is showing?

I could of opted to back out be on my way through the cash outs but I fell into you long ago and I wouldn't go and do that now what happened to picking out names names for our children schiele and dana your suggestions I missed em.

I've come to the facts should of payed more attention like rhi said should I mention I love in your direction.

I love in your direction.

Even through the shots you took when we were too young to see through the vision.

Warmer than you fast asleep on my chest and holiday traditions.

What are you missing?

What am I missing?

You can hear me in the silence of 3am panic attacks from the kitchen. never was one to wander off, but have I been living?

Seems to be a lot to learn if I could admit it. your old friend found replacements for you, but how is that giving?

So I don't need another line but I got here early I needed more than the dude with your back before you went up and hurt me.

And that's simply toxic for the heart. started waiting tables when we came apart 50 cents for everything I had to ring in on a la carte.

If we don't meet at the finish line please just look back at the start. before I depart know this ain't a heart to heart these are confessions of the process of making reparations admitting I'm scared of the dark.

​Don't start.