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I live to tell and tell I must.
"Sick"
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"Sick" is a performance slam poem about what it was like in my active addiction. It is written in the form of me speaking at an NA Meeting, but it basically outlines the painfully and seemingly endless circle an addict goes through on a daily basis. I tried to recount some of the stories and emotions I've felt, so I hope you can relate. When you're a heroin addict, or kicking heroin, life is not easy. For me, poetry was all I had. This is a true pouring of my opinion and emotion.
Whenever I look back at "Sick" it's a reality check. In day-to-day life I don't always remember how painful life was as a junkie. I forget about the danger, the pain, the insane daily search that started every sunrise...the life of a dope fiend. The good news about addiction is that there is help available. It comes is many forms and, for most addicts, can be found for free. Sometimes the best way to stay clean is to try to help others do it...hence this website. |
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Hi,
My name’s _____,
And I’m an addict…
And like so many others,
I’ve watched
The smoky hot
Breath
Of death,
Pass me by,
Smelled the end
Just miss me,
For no reason,
Demise,
Gave grave glares
Into my eyes
And tried,
To turn them hollow
Black,
I felt the whiplash crack
Of fate
Slash my back,
So deep,
I had to sleep,
On my stomach...
I’ve been lucky.
See I was once worlds away
From these buckled knees
You see on stage,
Caged
In my own head
Behind iron bars of rage
Intangible,
The roller coaster of my life,
Had no track,
My pool,
Was all tidal waves and deep end,
I couldn’t depend
On myself
To feed myself,
Needed a shot to jumpstart my heart
And just be myself,
A circle I could never break,
And matter of fact
That roller coaster did have a track,
But it was all flat,
And just went round and round
Like that...
I’ve watched so many souls
Fall victim to the grips of addiction
Hopeless,
Fantasizing empty aspirations
Like,
Climbing a never-ending ladder to nowhere,
Like
Thinking other people
Were building their castles
On your low self-esteem,
When no one can hurt you
Unless you’re hurting yourself,
Letting them penetrate your skin,
Fill voids with enough poison
To go round,
The foundation of the devil’s playground,
That,
Jungle gym of junk I hid in,
To smoke my weed in instead of play on,
And when for some “game on”,
Meant football,
Or tag,
For me it meant another bag
To smokescreen emotion with,
A virtual loaded clip
Barrel to shaky lips,
Medicating pain,
Leading to sleeping
On A Trains,
Hungry,
Smelling,
Selling my self-esteem like old shirts in thrift shops,
I was scared…
So this is for those still fighting,
Those deciding
They are sick of being sick,
Living fix to fix
On obsolete clouds of bliss,
There is hope,
There is hope and there is help,
But the desire to truly want it,
That voice so low,
Crying desperately
Deep in the pit of your gut
For change
Must be a raging
Inferno,
You must be desperate to get this,
I’m not fully there yet,
And may never be,
But I know my destiny
Is telling me,
That there's a way out,
And I’ve screamed at the top of my lungs for this
Without being heard,
Cried oceans,
Hit rubber walls till it hurt,
Shaken fists
And climbed from the slippery pits
Of my own digging,
Cuz I was dying,
And sometimes,
I’m tired,
And sometimes,
I’m scared,
And sometimes,
Everything is wrong,
Nothing feels good,
The light at the end of a clogged tunnel,
Is a "No Exit" sign,
There's no redemption for my efforts,
And skies are falling
And eyes are bawling,
And I get on my knees to pray but
I don’t know how
And I find myself crawling,
And sometimes,
It’s hard,
I had to reopen scars I swore I’d never touch,
That were buried under mountains of hardened shit
But the puss needed to pour,
Because revealing,
Is healing,
And I’m sick…
So sick of being crushed,
So sick of
Wandering deserts with a broken compass
I’ve done this
Far too long,
And I’m sick of the,
Insanity,
Sick of being told,
I cannot be
Something,
Sick of hurting everyone
Who showed me
A wink of affection,
Word of direction,
Or mirror reflection
Of myself…
I’m sick,
And I want change…
Thank you for letting me share.
My name’s _____,
And I’m an addict…
And like so many others,
I’ve watched
The smoky hot
Breath
Of death,
Pass me by,
Smelled the end
Just miss me,
For no reason,
Demise,
Gave grave glares
Into my eyes
And tried,
To turn them hollow
Black,
I felt the whiplash crack
Of fate
Slash my back,
So deep,
I had to sleep,
On my stomach...
I’ve been lucky.
See I was once worlds away
From these buckled knees
You see on stage,
Caged
In my own head
Behind iron bars of rage
Intangible,
The roller coaster of my life,
Had no track,
My pool,
Was all tidal waves and deep end,
I couldn’t depend
On myself
To feed myself,
Needed a shot to jumpstart my heart
And just be myself,
A circle I could never break,
And matter of fact
That roller coaster did have a track,
But it was all flat,
And just went round and round
Like that...
I’ve watched so many souls
Fall victim to the grips of addiction
Hopeless,
Fantasizing empty aspirations
Like,
Climbing a never-ending ladder to nowhere,
Like
Thinking other people
Were building their castles
On your low self-esteem,
When no one can hurt you
Unless you’re hurting yourself,
Letting them penetrate your skin,
Fill voids with enough poison
To go round,
The foundation of the devil’s playground,
That,
Jungle gym of junk I hid in,
To smoke my weed in instead of play on,
And when for some “game on”,
Meant football,
Or tag,
For me it meant another bag
To smokescreen emotion with,
A virtual loaded clip
Barrel to shaky lips,
Medicating pain,
Leading to sleeping
On A Trains,
Hungry,
Smelling,
Selling my self-esteem like old shirts in thrift shops,
I was scared…
So this is for those still fighting,
Those deciding
They are sick of being sick,
Living fix to fix
On obsolete clouds of bliss,
There is hope,
There is hope and there is help,
But the desire to truly want it,
That voice so low,
Crying desperately
Deep in the pit of your gut
For change
Must be a raging
Inferno,
You must be desperate to get this,
I’m not fully there yet,
And may never be,
But I know my destiny
Is telling me,
That there's a way out,
And I’ve screamed at the top of my lungs for this
Without being heard,
Cried oceans,
Hit rubber walls till it hurt,
Shaken fists
And climbed from the slippery pits
Of my own digging,
Cuz I was dying,
And sometimes,
I’m tired,
And sometimes,
I’m scared,
And sometimes,
Everything is wrong,
Nothing feels good,
The light at the end of a clogged tunnel,
Is a "No Exit" sign,
There's no redemption for my efforts,
And skies are falling
And eyes are bawling,
And I get on my knees to pray but
I don’t know how
And I find myself crawling,
And sometimes,
It’s hard,
I had to reopen scars I swore I’d never touch,
That were buried under mountains of hardened shit
But the puss needed to pour,
Because revealing,
Is healing,
And I’m sick…
So sick of being crushed,
So sick of
Wandering deserts with a broken compass
I’ve done this
Far too long,
And I’m sick of the,
Insanity,
Sick of being told,
I cannot be
Something,
Sick of hurting everyone
Who showed me
A wink of affection,
Word of direction,
Or mirror reflection
Of myself…
I’m sick,
And I want change…
Thank you for letting me share.