"What If?"

A Poem about the huge and growing social issue of bulimia

Poet: Sierra Rachelle

​What if I never developed bulimia?
Would I be pretty? Popular?
Maybe I would have learned to love myself
Learned that I need no one to validate my body
No one to validate my self worth, but now
I stare at the porcelain bowl
The bowl I spent hours crying over
The bowl that to this day still holds the proof that I purged to be pretty  
That I purged to be accepted 

And when this didn’t work,
I cleansed myself of all the calories and sugar and carbs
All the things that made my imperfections shine brighter than the sun
But
It didn’t work
All it did was fill my stomach with despair and my heart full of hated
Hatred for the people I loved
Hatred for everyone who cared
Hatred towards myself
Hatred that caused me to try and end my life at 13
The same hatred that caused me to slowly glide sharp objects across my wrist just to feel something other than emptiness

I did everything to try and feel
I ran
I drew
I read
I did everything then
*snap*
I found it
A person

A person who made me feel like everything revolved around me
That I was the sun 
Keeping everything alive
I was perfect 
I was unstoppable
Until the day that they told me that they didn’t love me
I was a toy for their entertainment until the batteries died
It was the day the light behind my eyes burnt out
There was nothing there to see
Just a dull gray
Not the vibrant eyes my mom always had when she looked at me
Full of pride
Not the eyes that she passed down to me

I was nothing
A speck of dust 
Worthless.
The world could do without me
That was when I decided,
I needed to end it
I was 14
In a hospital 
Five stitches in my thigh reminding me that
I once again failed.

Things got better
Medication worked
Therapy worked, but
They were still lingering in my head
Telling me I was worth nothing
I was never worth the sun
And I was the fool to think that I could amount to such beauty

I got better
Everyday
I still fight
“Do you wish you never developed bulimia?”
No.
Never.
If anything I am happy 
Because everyday
I fight back

I fight against the media
I fight that beauty is size two with bleach blonde hair and the brightest blue eyes that you can see the ocean
I fight for the little girls and little boys who will grow up in a sick world full of terrorism of our own mind.
I will fight for you the one who sees nothing but a broken reflection and not the true beauty you have
And if anything,
I fight for me
The one who tore herself down and built herself up again
But,
What if I never developed bulimia?

Bulimia is a serious psychiatric illness, an eating disorder in which the person regularly binge-eats and then tries to compensate for that behavior by over-exercising and purging (by vomiting and/or using laxatives). 

This poem about bulimia was written and submitted by Sierra Rachelle. She's an inspirational youth poet, but even at 16 and struggling, she believes there is always light at the end of the tunnel. She wrote this after looking back at her life when she was in a dark place. It means a lot to her to see how much she's overcome, especially at such a young age.